Dear Son...

To honour you on this day I’d like to share with you a special memory with part of my soul.

Your Dad and I were together for 5 years already before you were conceived and boy were you worth waiting for. I was a young woman of 25, your father 24, and from the moment I became pregnant with you, your Dad and I were so thrilled. He had been trying to talk me around for years into giving your brother Tony and sister Mandy a sibling. It was only due to my personal fears and uncertainties sadly drawn from my past, before meeting your Dad, was what had held me back for so long. Your Dad was more than reassuring and so amazingly patient, knowing in his heart that the time was now right and I couldn’t agree more.

Conceived with a Love so truly pure; lovingly nurtured with an indescribable devotion, your Dad would regularly shed tears of happiness when you would respond to his voice through my ever growing tummy. Pampering me like a queen with such things as regular foot rubs, tender massages, not to mention indulging my every craving, bizarre or otherwise, without question your Dad handled me with such care, and also to ensure that your growth, comfort and ultimate journey to this world would be as safe as possible.

Your brother and sister were also excited beyond belief and enjoyed sharing this journey too. They too had each shared special moments as you grew within me, and had playfully argued if you would be a little ‘brother or a sister’, - Tony planning to share particular toys and games with only you, -Mandy planning to share her special dolls and fancy dresses and how she’d do your hair with pretty ribbons. Whether you would be kickboxing, fishing or playing footy with Tony or dancing and paying dress ups with Mandy were always a topic of debate between them both, filling both your Dad and I with much laughter and great warmth of how our family had grown with more love than we had envisaged.

Your Dad would often gently lay his head on my lap and softly sing to you, and you would always reward him with a response of a gentle kick or at times an active twist and turn, which though at times felt somewhat like a big wave, he would describe as you ‘dancing to his tune’. - As your arrival drew nearer a final ultrasound confirmed for me that you were a boy, as I had always felt you would be, however that was a secret I had held very close to my heart to ensure your Dad could enjoy that extra surprise, as it had come to be that I was not able to deliver you but via a caesarean which had been booked in for this very day 19 years ago.

With bag packed, car loaded, camera in hand, your Dad, bursting with excitement even took photos of our trip to the hospital, in the car park, the elevator, into the doors of the maternity ward, testing the bed, preparing for the surgery, etc..., that absolutely nothing could dull his enthusiasm. I too was eagerly looking forward to your arrival, although naturally I was terrified of the surgery ahead for me. As I was wheeled into the operating theatre, your Dad, reluctant to let go of my hand, was held back by nurses at the door and as I became more drowsy he had to make do with taking his pictures from the window in the door. I would ensure later that others would be spared from viewing those pictures.

As I came to in the recovery room the nurses unhooked various tubes and monitors from me and wheeled me back to my room. Eyes finally flickering open, I drowsily asked how you were doing, only to find your Dad gently cradling you with tears streaming down his face so overwhelmed by love, which also brought me to tears. Your Nan and Pop along with your brother and sister ran into the room moments later bursting with excitement to greet you.

You weighed a healthy 8lb 2oz, and were without a doubt the spitting image of your Dad, just as you still are today. As everybody eagerly took their turns in holding you, you appeared remarkably alert as if you too were so delighted to finally meet them all too.

- Your brother Tony was grinning like a Cheshire cat, seemingly smug that he’d got his little brother just like he’d wanted and had beat his sister. He proudly, yet very protectively, held you close to his chest and I watched as he began whispering to you, no doubt the plans he’d had for you and secretly hoping you were as excited as he was.

- Your sister Mandy had dismissed the smugness of Tony as she was just so excited that you were finally here. She instantly fell in love with you and took to her big sister role eagerly. I watched as she softly stroked your little hand and looking into your eyes she was so fascinated that you were so Real...nothing like any of her dolls, you actually wriggled and breathed and as your tiny little fingers grasped around just one of her fingers your bond with her was instantaneous. You had us all mesmerised and made our family complete.

It was a further 3 days before I was allowed to go home, after being moved out of my private room I was placed in a room with 3 other first time mums. Your Dad stayed with us at the hospital every waking hour, day and night until the nurses sent him home on orders to get some sleep. He was so keen to spend every moment he could with you, even watching all the ‘mothers’ videos there while you slept. As usual he naturally oozed charisma and soon had the other mothers asking him to help them get comfy and even helped them all with the tips he’d learnt on breast feeding and changing nappies etc, even the nurses adored him for his natural kindness and genuine caring manner.

Whilst I had wanted to stay another day or two to recover more comfortably from the surgery, the other mums were eager to go home and were not happy when the Doc came through again and made them stay longer, yet sent me home. I had been hesitant of the stairs at home and not being able to rest enough, but your Dad alleviated those worries quickly as he doted on us all to ensure my recovery would be trouble free. I couldn’t have wished for better, he was a true gem. Even just watching him just watching you sleep was so truly beautiful. He sincerely was the most wonderful father to you and Tony and Mandy, he embraced you all as his, never separating either of you for a heartbeat. I could go on further, however, this is enough of an emotional journey for me to express to you for one day.

Though he may not be with us today in this world, know this...that he is indeed always here, right here, inside of our heart and always around us. You are so much like him son, much more than you know. I know that I feel him, and when I look into your eyes, those remarkably familiar, same intensely beautiful eyes as your Dads, I know from within that you feel him too.


All my love...


Mum <3>

Inner Anguish

Inner Anguish..

Ignorance..Is there really any excuse for it? Are some so desperate, to seek attention perhaps, that they feel the need to create vicious and spiteful tales about others. Are they really so ignorant to assume that so many others are so gullible that they earnestly believe the gossip they are fed is fact? Well sadly some are indeed so easy to fool, but for the one that chooses to spread such malicious crap to expect those to believe their words as gospel are simply, and quite arrogantly so, in effect treating their audience as brainless. - That in itself shows ill-mannered impertinence towards those they quietly deem so gullible, yet of course they don't expect their audience to even be aware of it. Their manner evidently convincing to some, though they don't dare to waste time spewing their crap to those that would challenge them, perhaps for fear they'd be exposed and their tales would unravel. Liars don't generally like to be confronted with truths, so they merely target the naive.

So what exactly is one trying to achieve by spewing malicious crap? Are they attempting to make themselves appear a better person by bad-mouthing others perhaps? Or is there another motive? Do they think that they are so above all others that they have a God given right to pass judgement on others simply because they don't conform to how they expect them to be? Is their perception of others really so warped and narrow-minded that they harbour such hatred that the urge to constantly inflict wounds, either seen or hidden, is far too strong to resist. A reprehensibly weak trait that I would certainly be mortified to possess. Cannot somebody just be themselves without ridicule or scorn from others? Whatever happened to respecting ones right to be an individual?

Those naive that choose to believe malicious crap fed to them, and go as far as to spread it further, without facts or any true knowledge of subject matter as such, are sadly more pitiful than I initially give them credit for.

Now, what if the subject matter of such dreadful tales was you? What if it was coming from somebody you know? What if it was coming from someone within your own family? What if it was coming from somebody that you've always loved so unconditionally, so much so that you would literally give your life for them?

The overwhelming heartache that I've endured from this over the years is simply inexpressible. Does it give them some kind of sadistic pleasure to repeatedly run me down? Do they even realize the consequences that their thoughtless actions have? Do they even remotely care at all? Seemingly not.

How would you feel to be constantly subjected to this less than pleasant conduct? How would you deal with it? - Do you try in vain to get to the bottom of it and sort it out? After making and exhausting countless efforts, all futile, over the years, all I've managed is to end up hitting my head against a brick wall in frustration at the lack of any resolution. - Do you keep taking a beating as such, or do you get to the point of raising your guard and reinforcing it with steel, so much so to let the crap bounce off you, and disregard it, so as not to allow the hurt to get through to erode your soul even more? Both of these methods have also been ineffective to date. - Who would've thought that a mother's love was so powerful and yet so vulnerable?

I don't claim to be perfect, I have faults just as everybody else, nonetheless I was raised to always respect others, and if you don't have anything good to say about someone, just don't say it at all, and to keep ones negative opinions to oneself. Why I would expect the same common courtesy from others is seemingly naive and I am surely guilty of that. I have raised my children with the same respectful morals, though it appears that one sadly chooses to disregard all that to focus on the reverse. Why, I will never know, nor I imagine could comprehend.

Do you love someone so unconditionally to simply relent and allow them to despise you, regardless of your pain? Has it become all so irreparable, or is there an answer?

Is it wrong to feel the need to express my discontent, or should I just take the recurring disrespect and accept that I am just not worthy of being permitted to have a thought, an opinion, or a right to defend myself? Why bother, when it falls on deaf ears that refuse to take responsibility for ones actions and only encourages their malice to escalate. Their deliberate intent to repeatedly inflict such heartache might be more easily served by hammering large rusty nails into my eyeballs. Mayhaps that would hurt less so.

WTF! I hear you say. Since when did Jane have her own damned Planet? Hell I want one too! Perhaps I’ll just follow Janes Planet for now and see how she does it, and then I might get one of my own.

LOL...Well, it just kinda happened as I was attempting to create a name for this thing, only to find that certain names were already in use, so I figured why the hell not éh. In this amazing online world of cyberspace why not just claim a whole damned planet.

Sooo where to start... Hmm, Ok, just a few words to kick this thing off for now.
Well it has come to my attention that very few really know me at all, particularly some of my closest family and whilst this may seem odd to some, I’ve simply grown very weary of a range of erroneous perceptions of me. Yes I’m a Mother, and Yes I’m a Grandmother, even a Daughter, Sister and an Auntie too, however these are mere titles that are obviously common to countless others, and as accurate as these labels are, they don’t really identify me as an individual.
Yes that’s right; bizarre as it may seem, I am an individual, with a mind of my very own. I don’t try to be anybody that I’m not, I am simply me and I make no apologies for that. I have little to no tolerance for fools, I don’t pander to gossip, dramas, bitching, rumours, hearsay or scandals etc, so if any of these categories apply to you and you’re only here to stir up shit I suggest you move along, as there’s nothing to see here.

Whilst many do indeed know much about me, I’d simply not be the person I am today without you in my life. Of course I have many strengths and with that come some weaknesses too, (chocolate comes to mind, lol), each of you has contributed in some way, however big or small and either praise or blame to you all for that depending on your own view.

As I become more familiar with my surroundings here on this err planet, I’ll add to this as time permits.