Never Really Alone.

Well I’ve made it through yet another day without you, and as these days, weeks, months and sadly years pass all too fast without you here, there is never an hour that goes by without you on my mind. I tried, as you know, to complete this for your birthday just a mere two weeks ago but I became overwhelmed in a dark cloud that broke over me… its unrelenting rain, my tears.

You would have turned 45, and it’s so hard to believe that today now marks 13 long years since you made that fateful decision to leave us all. Whilst the last 13 years have been far from easy, an unlucky number for some, I look at it as 13 years of survival without you. Often I recall all those long conversations we had as we were curled up in bed, discussing our hopes and dreams and the future we’d envisaged for our family, taking delight in watching the kids grow and making crazy predictions of how they would turn out, but most especially just growing old together. It just doesn't feel right that I’m growing older without you as you have left such a huge void in my life that I can never fill. I've felt the depths of loneliness without you, yet I always feel you’re around me too, and it’s that comfort that assures me that I'm never really alone.

At first I used to try to convince myself that I was just perhaps going a little crazy, but there’s simply no mistaking your presence, although the evenings are when I miss you the most. Just as you did the first moment we met, you would propose every night, confident that I would say “Yes, one day” as usual and kiss you. You had proposed in so many ways over the years, from the traditional down on one knee, even over the radio, to even screaming it out to the world in many various locations for all to hear. We could never afford the wedding that you wanted for us, but we didn’t really need it, there was no question we belonged together regardless of a piece of paper. Even as I enter the kitchen to make my cuppa tea each night I feel you approach me and wrap me in your arms. I close my eyes and can still feel the warmth of your breath against my neck and my heart just aches and aches. Just knowing you’re around has given me the strength to cope and while the perpetual anguish I feel from losing you still lingers, I will never stop loving you. It’s as if our journey together has merely been interrupted by your death.

Your actions that day still affect us, much more than you would’ve have considered at the time. There is nothing I wouldn’t sacrifice to have you alive and home with us again, where you belong with your family. I know that you would be savoring every moment spent with our kids and now grandchildren, all 6 of them to date. I just cannot express how deeply I miss you Andrew, and you know that my love for you has never wavered. You tore my heart from my chest that day and to this day it aches no less.

Tony is almost 30 now… The time has flown so fast hasn’t it? He is married with 3 gorgeous children now as you know I am sure. He has grown so much and I see so much of you in him by the way he carries himself, his courage, his strength, his confidence and so much more that you instilled in him has held him well and I’m sure you’ve yet to miss any of his footy games and fishing trips etc as usual.

Mandy, wow, she’s 27 now, and has grown into such a stunning young woman, as we had predicted without doubt, and is married with 3 beautiful children too. You are forever in her heart and not a day goes by that she doesn’t think of you as well. I see much of you in her also, by her manner, her confidence, assertiveness and strength too, her devoted and nurturing nature all of which and more she gained from you. She was always daddy’s little girl and I’ve no doubt you’ve not ever missed any of her events either, especially her wedding, I felt you beside me there too.

Michael is 20 now... Can you believe that? He has grown into such a strong and extremely handsome young man, and he is still a clone of you. Just a glance of him will often bring me to tears, by no fault of his, just he looks so much like you I have to remind myself he is Michael. I often catch myself about to call him Andrew, but I’ve learnt to stop myself and call His name, though it’s not easy and I know I’ve slipped up now and then. If he has caught me out, his gentle understanding has stopped him from correcting me. I see so much of you in him. He oozes charisma just like you. His courageous and confident manner, he’s so loving and considerate and he’s always supportive. He has such a compassionate and helpful nature, and much more, all obviously naturally from you. I know you that you watch over him, you always did, even as he slept you would watch him just breathe and be in awe of how amazing he is. I know you’ve been at all of his events too, from all of his footy games to his Year 12 formal and more, I’ve felt you there.

I know you would be so immensely proud of all of them, as am I, including our six beautiful grandchildren. You were constantly bragging about the kids and how proud you were of everything they did, no matter how large or small, and they each have brought us both so much joy. I’m sure that Michael will bless us with more grandchildren too when the time is right, certainly no rush of course as it’s important he finds true happiness with the right girl first.

I know that you will read this with more than a tear in your eye as it’s been very hard for me to write too. There is no easy way to sign off on this letter but to simply tell you that I still pray for the day when a time machine can be created to take me back to that day so that I can stop you and just bring you home.

Until we meet again…

Eternally Yours

Jane... <3